Family Dysfunction Leads to Being Cut Off and Left Out

There’s nothing unusual about adult children living their own lives. In fact, that’s normal. When independence turns into outright avoidance or deliberate separation from the family however, we have family dysfunction. With dysfunction, ties that were once strong have been damaged, if not actually broken. Broken ties complicate sharing responsibilities and passing down family wealth. Estate planning for dysfunctional families is no easy task.

Let’s take a look at 3 forms of dysfunction in modern families and their effect on family duties and the estate plan:

Distancing, Estrangement, and Alienation

• Distancing oneself from mom and dad is common where marriage choices, lifestyles, religion, politics – name your wedge issue – drive parents, children and siblings apart. Such differences make people uncomfortable and create the need for setting boundaries in the family relationship. While not cut off, some folks respond by distancing themselves from the rest of the clan. 

Mom and dad’s response to distancing may not be to cut the distanced family members out of the will. But they will be moved to the margins when it comes to legal, financial, and health care decision-making. Those not distanced from mom and dad will take the role of trustees and health care agents instead, or professionals will take their place. The disaffected members will be left out of these influential positions and participation in decisions.  

• Estrangement occurs in 27% of American families in my research. Estrangement is a deliberate separation from the others due to a rift– major or minor, real or perceived – in the familial relationship.  As a result, ties are cut by one party or the other, often for good. Estrangement almost always leads to a child being reduced or cut out of an inheritance, and definitely having no role in fiduciary decisions.

• Alienation, on the other hand, is a syndrome common in divorced families – where one parent pits the children against the other parent. The alienated parent does not usually blame the children, but the damage to the parent-child relationship can be lasting. Distance, estrangement and distrust follow. Not surprisingly, there is little interest in having alienated children involved in the parent’s affairs. 

The alienated parent may still leave their estate to their children, though it may be a reduced amount. If the alienated parent remarries, then they may actually connect more strongly with the children of the new spouse. The parent may leave some – or all – of their estate to their new family, instead of their own children. Estate planning for blended families can be challenging enough to navigate. Add alienation to the mix and you may as well try to blend oil and water. 

A Lesson from Prince Harry

Spare book by Prince Harry Duke of Sussex – February, 2023

If estate planning for dysfunctional families is a minefield, then clearly there are landmines in the Windsor family’s gardens. The dysfunction started as distancing no later than in 2020, when Prince Harry and Meghan Markle departed from their royal roles. It then grew into outright estrangement in 2022 after the Queen died. Or, was there an active case of alienation of affections, pitting some in the family deliberately against prince No. 2 and his bride?  

Harry’s story is less “Spare” (after the memoir of the same name) on details now, but we imagine there is more we don’t know. If it was only about money, I’d bet someone’s getting a much smaller castle.  

Harry and the Windsors may be a classic case of estrangement, or just the outcome of the strange (for modern sensibilities) tradition called primogeniture, which never sits well with junior Royals, one imagines. After all, Harry knew all along his older brother was getting the Big Castle and he, whatever is left.  

One way the Royals may be like the rest of us is in naming family as fiduciaries. I doubt William will ever be naming Harry as his health care proxy! (Talk about a motive to pull the plug early.) I am pretty sure by now King Charles has changed his trust to remove Harry as a Trustee or Executor. Nor should he be named: Harry seems to have estranged himself and he would be an inappropriate choice for these roles.  

For the Rest of Us

In the lives of us commoners, one sibling shouldn’t be allowed to lord it over another when settling an estate. An alternative is to name a third party as a professional trustee in lieu of a family member, where there is (or could be) conflict, estrangement, distrust, lack of skill, or distraction. Sibling relationships will be stronger without the conflict of interest, neglect, and the potential abuse of power.  

We know how to help you navigate these family dynamics. We can draft a suitable estate plan for your family situation. Book a complimentary appointment with one of our Senior Paralegals to get acquainted with the firm and next steps. From there, an attorney will work with you to draft an estate plan that matches your unique family.